I'm ditching this journal for personnel reasons, however, you can find me about...
I already forgot the username...

RockstarPoet.

"Forever"

In the brightest hour of my darkest day
I realized what is wrong with me
Can't get over you. can't get through to you
It's been a helter-skelter romance from the start
Take these memories that are Haunting me
Of a paper man cut into shreds by his own pair of scissors
He'll never forgive her...he'll never forgive her...

Because days come and go but my feelings for you are forever
Because days come and go but my feelings for you are forever

Sitting by a fire on a lonely night
Hanging over from another good time
With another girl... little dirty girl
You should listen to this story of a life
You're my heroine-in this moment I'm lonely fulfilling my darkest dreams
All these drugs all these women
I'm never forgiven... this broken heart of mine

Because days come and go but my feelings for you are forever,
Because days come and go but my feelings for you are forever

One last kiss,
before I go
Dry your tears,
it is time to let you go

One last kiss (one last kiss)
Before I go (before I go)
Dry your tears (dry your tears)
It is Time to let you go

Because days come and go, but my feelings for you are forever
Because days come and go, but my feelings for you are forever

One last kiss (one last kiss)
Before I go (before I go)
Dry your tears (dry your tears)
It is time to let you go

One last kiss,
Before I go,
Dry your tears,
it is time to let you go,
One last kiss

You really have no idea how much you value trust until its gone.
Trust is the basis for everything in any kind of relationship.
If there is no trust you'll second guess everything, and doubtful of a persons good will.

I can't help but to think something more is to the story, then and now.

The Grand Finale boys and girls, in regards to my fucked up love life, that seems to be nothing but a one-sided illusion.

Here is the story, so spread it around, I don't feel like explaining it to anyone. Besides, finally letting it all out will help me...I think. Usually I'll talk to myself over a problem until I'm sick of hearing about it myself.

All you'd have to do is check my journal, and post since, maybe day one I started this, and realize how heads over heals I am over Christine. If you know me, which most of you do, you all always told me my head was in the clouds - or I haven't seemed this happy for a very long time. Well, you are right on all of the above. I remember hearing,

"Jeremy you've changed, your different"
"Is it a bad different?"
"No..its just you seem happy."

I'm just trying to illustrate how much I love this girl. I was ready to do anything and everything, if I honestly believed it was in her best interest, and she wanted it. All she would have to do is simply ask. I would have made it happen without a doubt. Simply put, I would have, I wanted to, give her the world.

I've fell in love twice now, out of .... lots of relationships, flings, and girls.

Anyways.
I will be writing what I know to be the truth, and what I KNOW is the truth.

I'm a contractor, I'll leave home anywhere from 4-6 months spread out through out the year, the rest of the time I am on vacation. I stay at home and relax, chill with..myself (LOL sad but true).

Well, on my last contract was the first on this season, I left on 9/28/07, I don't know when it happen but on 10/06/07 I look back on LJ and see that I said Christine went and had sex with Josh a few times in a night, after a party. Afterwards later the next day, she sent him a text saying, "I want to come back, is that bad?" Whatever that means...

She admitted it to me eventually, it took her awhile, but needless to say, when your in to someone this much, your world crumbles before your eyes. The very reason I lived has just vanished, my world - Christine - turned her back on me.

They dated for a bit after that, but it didn't work out. Meanwhile, being totally left in the dark about them dating. Christine said she wanted me and was sorry, and she needed a break from relationships all together, needed a break from us, for us. So with no choice but to let it happen, I let it happen.

The day she told me was the same day I went and put a down payment on a ring.

She took off our pictures of us together, she enlisted herself as single and dating. I was upset. I asked why, and she said she did that when she was mad - she wasn't with or seeing anyone. I asked her to change it. It took her about a month of me asking to change. Meanwhile, she requested me to keep our pictures up on my profile, because it gave her hope. She wanted me to send her the love letters I wrote to her, and the book I bought for her, and some toys I bought for Jude, well 2 books for her, she doesn't know about the second. During this time I sent her comments saying I loved her, and all that, but they where never put up. For some reason all these signs I didn't take, I didn't want to take them I guess.

She started to hang around a guy named Tom, who she says helped her out with the whole "us thing". One night they decided to do some sexual stuff. I didn't know about this until recently. But this is during the time she promised me she wasn't messing around, she wasn't in anyones arms, and she was taking a break for us, she loves me she said.

Meanwhile, I don't know when it started, but she went to Josh's on a weekend basis and fucked him weekly. Again, telling me to send those love letters, she loved me, and she wasn't in anyones arms. (I am away from home, working all this time).

She told him I didn't delete the pictures because I didn't have net access, she told him that she didn't love me, but him, said "Who do you think I want to be with? Babby Daddy or him?" when he asked who she wanted. Meanwhile, she was telling me she never talked to josh, except when it came to Jude (there son).

Sometime last mid month, she joined a dating site, and been talking it up with a bunch of guys, and at least met one (verdict is still out if she did anything at all, but from recent evidence, and actions, my money would be she did). THis one is ricky. She swears they are just friends. The friend she drove an hour away to see, when she always complained about gas money. She spent most of the night with him, and took pictures together, saying they where just friends. It upstted me. Ricky has also done poetry about wanting a little boy, and messages how she makes him happy, and he likes having something to go home to, and Xtine saying how Ricky, aka "Amazing R" is so well amazing. Reading the journal you'd say she was head over heals for him. Also said things such as, well..she is just sooooo happy being around him, and he is so unique and blah...

Of course, an X of mine was flirting with me because she found out I was single, well, Christine got after her saying how WE don't appriecate it, and to know your place...blah blah blah.

Of course I didn't know none of this is going on, because she is saying she loves me, I'm the only one for her, and all this horse shit.

Josh called one morning, and asked me if Christine and I where talking and stuff. I said yes, we are working things out. He said really? And handed christine the phone, as she layed in his bed.

Thats when I found out everything. That day she told josh that me and her where really over. She told me she hated me, and that I obviously meant jack shit to her, and it wasn't meant to be..so get lost. (Although she doesn't remember this.)

Me and Josh, funny..are friends now, pretty close. We talk daily.
I try to be friends with Christine, because you want to know something fucking funny as hell? I am STILL IN LOVE with her.

Why? I don't know. I still think about just her, although all the shit she did. Now she says she only wants me, and she was confused, she wants me back, and all that.

Heh...

Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
Hurt myself again today
And, the worst part is there's no-one else to blame

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Ouch I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere else to be found,
Yeah I think that I might break
Lost myself again and I feel unsafe

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

- What do the lyrics say to you? How to you interpit the song for yourself?
Maybe if I get enough responses, I'll do something special...haha.

I'm actually in a writing mood tonight, so I'll let everyone know whats going on with everything in life, and all that fun stuff in general.

(Runs for a ciggeratte)
(Back)

We'll first touch base when I'll be home. I myself would like to know to tell you the truth. Personally, I don't have a strong urge now to get layed off, and run to someone to have them in my arms. I don't mind bidding on loose contracts after Surry either.

Currently, I'm in Cheasepeake, Va.; working in Surry - at Surry Nuclear Station. Things haven't changed much, though my assumption would be it would, considering the incident at Palo Verde if you've been keeping up with the news (they found a pipe bomb). A hurricane also decided to visit us as well, though I just felt as if I was back in Kansas with all the wind and thunderstorms, thats all we got.

They still let me bring in my cell phone with a camera, which I thought would change again, due to the Palo Verde incident. Anyways...about the Surry Outage.

The 17th is what the word is when the want to close the Equipment Hatch, and my Site Cordinater told us from the start, no one is leaving until the Hatch is closed.

Thats one less week then I expected, however...
GSI Sump Pumps project is something that needs to be done under the jurisdiction and say so of the NRC. Currently they are 50% completed with the project, and they have been working on it for 15 days. So, if they run into no problems, and conitue on the same path, it will be another 15 days (about the 21st) before they are done. They are unable to close the hatch until this project is done. Being in the Radation Protection field, I will be needed after the Sump Pump project is completed. Cavity Decon will probably be done by Tuesday, which is probably the biggest project my team tackles, after that there is usually a small amount of RP's laid off, however, I don't think I'll be one of those. One left due to being crazy, and three are heading out to Cali for a contract there. I also know of another three that want to leave soon as possible.

I am assuming, if I don't get the first layoff date, I'll probably be home soon after Thanksgiving. However.

They threw some specialist at a certian project that is used by both reactors. Only one reactor (unit) is currently down at the moment. If they do not get this project fixed by the seventh, then they have to shutdown the other Unit, which means things will get hectice, twice as busy, and I'll be here for who knows how long. They will probably have a non-refueling Outage on that paticular Unit. They would have to fix the valve, and I would assume they would finish the GSI on that Unit as well (which would take about 2 weeks). So LOL, I have no clue when I'm getting off. Somewhere between after Thanksgiving to early-mid December.

LOL, however, in the morning I might find out about Brunswick, which is located in South Carolina (I really need to start bidding on jobs in the west or midwest). This project, I have no idea how long it will last, but some say six months! Eeek (I have to be gone that long), and woot (Cha-CHING!).
Brunswick though is more rumor and speculation then anything.

More then likely I'll be home sometime around late November or Early December, and will stay home until around March.

I'll make another post tonight, about more personnel stuff, as Tuesday nights are my nights off.

so a real update. first i apologize for any typos as i am doing this all on my blackjack in the laundry room at work. the laundry room. thats where they put all the retards that are unable to do anything else. it is truly depressing and boring as fuck to do this. i feel like i am at the laundry mat for twelve hours a day. i know everyone here knows i have been acting different, and some nites its real hard because i am on the verge of tears and eveyone trys to find out whats wrong...yet i wont say a wordm i usually just find a place of solitude and weep like a child so i can compose myself later.

i bet your wondering why i am so upset. if not you are probably wondering what really went down.

i am just not able to talk about it yet with out feeling upset, betrayed, depressed, angry, or flustered.

i was a total fool for thinking she actually loved me, and wanting something real. too bad i dont even see it possible to be real friends again it would all just be fake. how can you be freinds with someone that you dont trust. i honestly do not believe one word that comes out of her mouth even if my life depended on it. i whole heartily say that with every fiber of my being. i dont trust her at all...but still love her more then anything.

Sorry I haven't updated in a bit, and I was going to say what's happening with me and everything. But in all honesty, its a waste of breath, and energy to even give it anymore time then I have already wasted on the whole ordeal. Today I've deleted everything, and believe I have gotten rid of everything in relations to this once problem. Messages, pictures, phone number, gone. So a new life of just saying, "Yeah, no thanks" begins, lol. I am going out tonight, because I feel like it, so everyone have a fantastic week, whoever you are, and whatever you do. Peace & Love- Jeremy.

I have a real juicy entry coming soon to a journal near you!
Stay tuned! (Latest by Tuesday)

I had a whole fucking thing I wanted to say, but its a waste of breath.
Hate and love? You never loved me in the first place.

Its over. Go crawl into another mans arms, assuming Josh (if he is stupid enough to take you back) or Ricky (you might have a chance with him). Me, I'm done. SHIT JUST DOES NOT ADD UP!

Play innocent and act like its all me, I really don't give a fuck. Done breaking my back and heart.

goodbye

apparently i have stomach olsers...is that how u spell it?
they wont let me work the can cuz i already have 800mr.

i can feel the old me coming around. i give it until the end of this contract. will be that jeremy i know so well before i hit my next contract. i will probably be gone til janruary...late. just have me to care about now. leandra wants to take me clubing tommorrow. she has ben my ear down here. she says she knows places with my kind of people...whatever that means...we heading to club hop at the beachfront.

so xtine says i am like every other guy she dated. she thinks i want her to choose between jude being happy and being with me. she calls me an asshole. she thinks i am controlling. she wants me to hang on and show her affection and fly her sown her yet she wont be my girlfriend. she cheated on my with heer x two times in twelve hours..with sex. i dont want her tlaking or chilling w josh unless its about or for jude. she thinks thats wrong. she wants to hang with him and be best of friends. and i still have love for her i am still in love w her. she wants time so i give. i forgave her for waht she did. and i am still an asshole in her eyes. i cant do this. yes i got upset and mad at her..but who wouldnt? she doesnt even say she loves me nemore. i am thinking of moving agian to chicoga, houston, or kansas city. i havent decided. she woud be upset that i gave up on her...but what am i to do? really? i wish i cld post this on myspace but icant phone wont let me. at least i wld get a friends perpective.

everything is so bitter tasting now..nothing seems real anymore but that empty pit in my stomach that consistently turns. how am i to love someone that i cant even have.

seriously..what do i have to live for...nothing.

i love christine...miss her muches...cant say much cuz i am on my phone on break

I'm not done with my rambling.  The previous entry was simply a new venture I have been doing research on, and will be taking next summer.  What this will cover, is the actual Freelancing and Web Developing with Clients - and pursuing my education.

With the server I will purchase from Hostrocket, one of the first sites I will be making is a Portfolio to display my works, contact information and the such.  I have done lots of research, updated my education to current WC3 standards, and tested the market for myself this summer extensivly for Web Developing.  With all the research I have done, I believe, strictly doing Web Developing, after I hit my original goal with the 2 lease contract (read previous entry), I can with hard work in marketing, pull in $500 dollars to start off with a month.  If I can only work 6-8 months out of the year on Web Developing, due to my Nuclear Contracting, this would bring in profits of 3,000-4,000 to start annually.  However wants word of mouth does its job (as we all hope it does) I should have more steady work flow, as I keep hard on the marketing myself out there.  This also doesn't include my steadily increase in pricing my services as my capabilities, talent, and skill increases.  But with this 3-4k a year, I can easily afford to get certificates in different technologies that I will need as a foundation to start getting noticed by the corporation world, and being able to do 1040's with them.  At that rate, I could easily do 1-2 certificiations a year, without changing careers (I'm a Radiation Decontamination Tech), and it requires traveling to different locations which enables me to go to a traditional school.  Some tell me to work at Pizza Hut (where in the fuck in STL do they need a Rad Decon Tech?).  The fact of the matter is Pizza Hut doesn't pay the bills, and I make more then a manager at McDonalds would.  The type of money I would need to make if I got what some people call "A regular job" is out of my reach, unless I get education.  So these certifications are my key into getting that  "regular job" so I can at last conitue my education in Computer Science, while minoring in Business and probably Graphic Design.

The end goal is to get certified in the technologies that I do know, and the ones that I want to know.  Caiden Media alone, would be able to get me there, even though under current budget plans, I can easily save $3,000 dollars  into savings from each 30 day nuclear contract I do.  I would not have to touch that money.  (although due to getting new tires,  owing a grand, and spoiling someone, I did not do that exactly this summer).  With that said,  I can  alone with out Caiden Media, at least must another 6k a year for education, even under the worse circumstances.

Damn I'm happy.
Just have to follow through.

The last past two days, I have been doing some heavy sketching on my Freelance Portfolio / Web Developing Project "Caiden Media".

I'm very excited about the possibility this business of mine holds for myself, yet at the same time I still have some holes in the system to figure out.

My main concern, which I will have to take up with unemployment, is my possible income from places like Google Adsense, or DoubleClick.  At the start of this project I expect to make very little in profits, if anything - simply because thats the way it is.  Adsense, is a system (for those that don't know) that places ads your your site.  These ads are relative to your site, almost tailored thanks to Google's savvy programming (it is a dream to work for them someday).  For instance if you have a website about flowers, ads about flowers will be delivered to your site by google.  Each time someone clicks on this add you get paid.  The whole system works on keywords, that Google finds on your page, and uses those keywords to decide which ads will be placed on your site.  Instead of random ads, people get ads they find useful.  If your looking for flowers on the internet, and find a link on flowers from another site, you will find that site useful.  Simple.

The point of the problem here, is I'll be making money, though very little, very, very little.  Since I am a W2 Contractor, I depend on unemployment during the off season of Nuclear Outages.  I'm unsure how this will effect my standings with the unemployment office if I pursue this revenue option.

The good thing, is experts, or professionals easily pull in $300 to $800 dollars on one site through such means.  These sites also sell, at the right places and times, for anywhere from $200 to $15,000.  I expect such revenue to take a long time for me to cash in, as I have to learn the system more, and really get into PHP or ASP to make more complex sites that would be capable of generating the needed traffic.  Write now I simply use PHP includes, and small news scripts in order to create semi-dynamic content on the websites I make for clients.  This is one of the main reasons my clients are usually bands, artists, small businesses, freelancers, and the such.  What they need isn't a highly dynamic website, but something at most semi-static.

Conjuring dreams, if I could at least run two websites with the profits of $800 a month, that is easily 1,600 dollars extra income per month, which is almost an extra 20k to my annual income.    There are many other ways to make profit off the internet that is legit, and only takes some education and marketing skills.   The good thing about this, it isn't a  get rich quick scheme.  I'm just putting myself through E-Commerce  School. Putting it all together, if my Nuclear Career went static, and just did this, I would be making 44k annually, due to taking out unemployment and adding the profits of this venture.

To do such things, it will cost money.  I need server space, and money to buy domain name after domain name, as I try, fail, fail again, fail once more, and yet finally succeed.  In order to get this extra income, Caiden Meida will solely be responsible for coming up with the money in order to pursue such projects.  Under this plan, I will be working for free for a very long time.  (I'm assuming a year or two); unless my Freelancing Web Developing really picks up.

In order to come up with the money, I developed a plan (which I'm sure isn't originial, but none the less good).  Every site I have ever done, or if someone ever ask me where to host there site, I have always said HostRocket, they are incredible in uptime, customer service, and response time.  I did some extra research on them, and although they are in a temprary pickle due to another company fall out, in the end it is beneficial to them.  All reviews of webhosting companies give Hostrocket top reviews, always in the top 10 or such.  With almost a flawless 4/5 review or the such.  So I will use Hostrocket for this project.

Essientally, I will be waiving the usual 200-500 fee I charge for the sites I make for a contract arrangement to have the be hosted on my server which I will take from Hostrocket.  All I would need is two clients to start off with to break even, under my current pricing plan, and with 5 clients I could easily create and build 2 sites a month to experiment, fail, learn, and succeed into other projects I have in mind.  The contact will be for 2 years, so I will only be loosing out on very little.  This will not only ensure my server is paid for, and revenue for my other projects, but I also believe its a good marketing strategy.  Anyone wanting a site will have to pay 4-5 dollars a month for webhosting anyways, and then the money for the actual site to be designed and coded.  Instead of this, I will have clients enter a 2 year contract of an undisclosed monthly fee.  This fee will cover server space, code/design fee, along with small maintance and upkeep to the site.  Its  easily a good deal for the client as well, and will  help me keep in contact with previous customers (as they will be working with me for the next two years), and its a good deal for them as well.  I do not plan to use this pricing scheme forever however, and only until I find its use has served its purpose...to get my feet off the ground.

Its been one of those days.  One of those days where I can see far into the future, and conjure dreams of my very quit possible future life.

The day started off chatting with Christine via texting, as this seems to be our daily ritual and affair.   Its odd how our relationship evolved from a simple friendship, to a very ignoreant, but strong Pluto philosophical plutonic relationship, all the way to a very deep romantic affair with love.  O but that is a story that has many different versions depending on the mouth it comes from.  Today's blog, however; does not beat the dead horse, instead of the future.

We where talking about her job searching after she is done with Cosmetology school, and how the income for a Cosmetologist is very flexible, depending on experience, where, and the prestige of the salon you work at.  The starting expecting salary according to the American Labor Association, is a mere 15-19k annually, and the maximum median potential being 35k.  Being that we life in Missouri however, I have found out that such a Profession gets paid the most out of any other state other then Texas.  This makes the average salary (disregarding experience) 29k.  It's a living, but as a unskilled worker, you can easily make that much money - with the same benefits with enough networking, and a small amount of intelligence.  Christine, however, doesn't want to stop at graduating Cosmetology school, but would like to get into being an Aesthetician.  From my research - this mainly deals with skin care, messages, facials, and the likes.  Top paying jobs are fierce in this paticular market, and education, experience, and the such play critical roles in landing the high paying jobs.  Well, through her network she has found the best school for such a profession in the area, along with a possible paid internship/ career - and more training, through what could possibly be the best Salon/ Spa in Saint Charles County.  This is fantastic.  It isn't because she has the possibility to make good money (possibly 80k according to first hand sources), but that this is what she wants to do, and she is going the route to be the best at it.  Its one thing to choose a career, its another to choose one you'll enjoy, and yet another jump to strive to be the best at what you do.

This excites me in more then one way.  First, she is doing something she wants to do, and isn't holding back, but is willing to make sacrifices, and put in the time to get where she wants.  I tire of people bitching what they want, but never putting one foot in front of the other.  I hate when people say, "I was going to do this, but I couldn't because..." or "Well, I would do that, but I have to do...".  Point of the matter, if you really want something your going to go for it, if you don't, then you really didn't want it in the first place.

She apparently has ambition.  Ambition is something I admire to a great magnitude, simply because, its a trait that I have.  A lot of people find it a good quality, a lot of people 'think' they have it, but they don't.  I have also found out that some people may say they like my ambition, but to come to find out later, they hate it.

So if I'm planning to spend my life with her, it is good she shares this trait, as she can better understand where I come from.  I've met people that hated it (thought it was stupid), I've met people that couldn't understand, and I've met people that admire it, but can't do it themselves due to lack of self-esteem.  Well Christine is none of these.

I want to be a freelancer, 1044 Contractor, in Web Development, and possibly software development, and database management.  I am making this transition while I am also a W2 contractor for Nuclear Plants, as I work my way up that ladder.  Lots on my plate, career wise, and very little time to do it all in.  So its nice that she shares this with me.

I dunno..just wanted to through that out there.  I wish I could celebrate the idea that she has a possibility to do this with someone, but I know I can with her parents, and when we go down to Burlington tomorrow.  Because I know hardly anyone on the Ellis side could even fathom being happy for us.